The Relationship Manifesto Podcast Series

The Swinging Sixties (E48)

So, you thought it was all over once you had passed the big six-zero. Not at all! In fact, for many people its only just beginning.

Listen to Stephen talk about life over 60 years of age; the opportunities, challenges and the fun to be had! Wouldn't you like to be fit, working as and when you want, enjoying an active sex life, and traveling the world? Well, this is the reality for many people nowadays who are over 60.
Though as Stephen reveals, ageism remains the "last acceptable ism in society"

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We plan to take a break from the Relationship Manifesto Podcast series for a while ... Stephen still has several hundred episodes in him but we both have other commitments which require our attention.

We don't have a date to return but it's not impossible ... especially if you are a potential sponsor who could entice us back by making an offer we could not refuse.

Have fun

Chris and Stephen

Conversation with Carlton Rounds

Carlton is head and founder of 'volunteer positive' a global NGO, based in the USA, which seeks to empower people living with AIDS.

In this most informative and fascinating interview, Stephen talks to Carlton, who is visiting Chiang Mai, about his work, his personal experiences and his insights into the varied aspects of AIDS and its impact on society and the individual.

..............................
Volunteer Positive
Positive - Powerful - Visible
Carlton Rounds
Executive Director & Founder
http://vounteerpositive.org
carlton@volunteerpositive.org

The Fabulous Fifties: Well if you managed to get through to your 50s in one piece then life becomes a lot easier. Kids have grown up and left home, careers are peaking or plateauing, and the sex just gets better and better.

As Stephen says, this decade marks the beginning of the 2nd half of your life and so long as you keep fit and healthy then its all to go for.

The Fractured Forties: Yes folks, its the decade of BIG changes, our 40s.

Stephen describes the big changes which happened to him during his 40s, and draws on research from around the world which confirms that while this decade may be our most challenging, offering many 'mid-life crises', its also the decade which sets us up for the rest of our life.

Predictions for 2012 (E44)

So what is happening for you in 2012? ... more sex? more money? more relatioinships? more problems? ... hear Stephen's predictioins in this lively but also highly informative podcast.

Welcome to 2012.

Christmas, Easter, Chinese New Year or just long weekend holidays ... are the demands and expectations on women taking the pleasure away from what should be relaxing times with lovers, families and friends.?
If this is really the situation across cultures then "why?" and "what what can be done to minimise the stress"

Like many others in the world's community at this time of the year, this episode takes the time to reflect on happenings during 2011.

As the vehicle for this Chris picks some of the Posts from Stephen's Blog and explores the 'back stories' ... culminating with discussion involving a new airline and "Lady Boy" stewardesses.

You can access the Blog Posts at http://www.stephenwhitehead.blogspot.com

Jolly Santa Coming Down The Chimney...:
Lots of festive fun and frolics between Stephen and Chris in this Seasonal Podcast, as well as some profound insights from Stephen into the real cost of Christmas for many people and their relationships.

Christmas 2011

Taiwan: Gay Pride, Betel-Nuts, Liberated Closets, and Pleasure Work.

Listen in to Stephen's revealing and very unique analysis of modern-day Taiwan.

What a country it is. A mix of Confucius belief and free-for all global capitalism.
Was it just a coincidence that the very week Stephen was visiting Taiwan the Taiwanese government legalised sex work?
You decide.

Sexy, immaculately attired schoolgirly-women, stressed out, emasculated businessmen, heavy duty Nigerian pimps, celibate young guys, soaplands, 5 star love hotels, black-clad gangster lads, educated but highly expensive hostesses, gentlemen's clubs, and marriages where sex last took place on the wedding night.
Meet 21st Century Tokyo.
All this and much more is revealed by Stephen in this most informative of podcasts

You want it all, you probably can get a lot of it, and your energy levels remain high, but is it worth the effort?
As Stephen reflects in this podcast, the 30s is that age when we start to realise our mortality as well as some our ambitions. Its the decade of hope, expectation, sexual maturity, realisation, consolidation, and stress.
But don't worry, this is what your 30 or so years on the earth have prepared you for.
So enjoy! Don't harbour any regrets - just do it!

We leave behind, thankfully, the puberty tsunami to emerge into hopefully a more settled place - 20-something land.

These are the first creative years when identity starts to take shape, sex starts to get better, relationships start to form and so does our confidence.

Stephen talks passionately about the adventures that await us in this very important decade of our lives.

Yes, its those teenage years, that phase when puberty mixes with hormones, emergent identity and sexual desire to produce the most combustible and emotional mix.
We've all been through it.

Dip in to this podcast to hear Stephen's advice to parents and teenagers on how to cope with this roller-coaster ride.

...... the most powerful and poignant of all the podcasts so far.
No questions, just a relatively short but very profound and powerful monologue by Stephen on parenting.

Philip Larkin would be proud.

This podcast turned out to be the second in a mini-series of Stephen's muses on the stages of life and parenting, from pregnancy through to one's dotage, is not for the faint-hearted, especially the part where Stephen recalls his experiences in the birthing ward.

Not many pauses in this lively podcast, which is actually about pregnancy.

OK, you may not be pregnant nor planning that state any time soon, but for sure you'll find Stephen's perspectives on pregnancy most enlightening and, at times, surprising.

Sex addiction; men and (sexual) redundancy; pregnancy, and an invite to all you listeners to join Stephen and Chris in the studio.

Which is why we've called it a very 'mixed bag'.

In this podcast Stephen reflects on the 'Ally Interviews' and reveals an exciting new project arising from them.
Chris and Stephen give an update on and add an epilogue to, The Relationship Manifesto. And amazingly enough, Tiger Woods then enters the studio.

So what do Ally's experiences mean not just for her, but for all of us? ... because for sure we can all learn lessons from her remarkable journey.
In this final session in the trilogy, Stephen and Chris talk with Ally about her new soulmate love, her sexuality; Thailand; sex, power, pain and pleasure.

And how it feels to be released from the gender binary.

Ally's journey of sexual and gender identity transformation gathers momentum as s/he takes on the pyschiatrists, the medical fraternity and her own deep rooted fear of pain and blood.
Triggered by terrible tragedy, Ally's journey finally unfolds in the mysterious, erotic and tolerate East.

In this first of a unique three-part podcast series, the Relationship Manifesto welcomes to the studio Ally Taylor, a remarkable woman with an even more remarkable story to tell.
Its a story of gender, identity, sexuality and sex.
But most of all its a story of how it can take awesome courage and strength to allow the person inside one to grow and flourish.
Stephen, Chris and Ally talking; sit back, listen to their conversation and prepare to be amazed.

Think sex, love and romance are complicated? Well try being in a cross-cultural relationship, where communication between partners gets further filtered through different languages, belief systems, and cultural norms.

In this podcast Stephen talks about his own personal experience of cross-cultural relationships, describes the many pitfalls awaiting such romances, and goes on to offer some imporant advice to those couples, straight and gay, who find love across different national boundaries

In this highly informative and extended podcast, Stephen talks about Buddhism and in the process covers relationships, sex, society, and work.
What does buddhist philosophy espouse and why is it as important today as it was when first developed 2500 years ago by Buddha himself.
Why meditate?
What is the difference between prayer and meditation?
How can Buddhism enhance your life.
Much in this podcast for everyone, Buddhist or not.

Why does the West find violence more appealing than sex?
Why do we tolerate violence, indeed find it acceptable in society, yet cannot find the same tolerance towards sex and sexuality?
Why is the West fascinated with its aggressive culture, yet still apparently embarrased at the idea of genitals?
Make love, not war, this is the theme of this lively and challenging podcast.

Are you one of those people who imagines good sex is the perogative of youth?
Then listen to Stephen's fascinating and informed insights on gender, bodies, ageing and sexuality.
As Stephen puts it "women under 30 have it all to look forward to".

What are your relationship vows?
Not got any?
Well in the Relationship Manifesto Stephen offers 15, which he says, if followed will "make your relationship as perfect as it gets".
Find out more in this podcast.

The eagerly anticipated completion of The Relationship Manifesto book has arrived ... the book is finished.
In this podcast Stephen talks about the final version of the book, the process of writing it, the key chapters, and how the content reflects not only his research but also captures much of his own life love journey experiences.

The Podcast continues

In this second podcast on 'Exploring Thailand's eroticisms', Chris asks Stephen what advice he has for those coming to Thailand for the first time - how do they negotiate and explore the fascinating sexualised culture of Thailand?
Alternatively, how do they avoid it?
From Visas, to condoms, Patpong to Pattaya, this podcast provides both insight and practical advice to any tourists intent on visiting this most amazing of countries.

Continuing with our current theme of sex and the Asian Mystique, in this first of a two-part podcast Stephen reveals many interesting facts about the Thai sex industry, and provides some good advice for those tourists looking to partake of it.
As Stephen warns, don't come out here and expect a fun, safe time unless you are able to protect not just your health and your money, but also your emotions.
Because Thailand is not just the land of smiles, its the land of sexy, cute and enticing smiles, and millions of them.
You have been warned!
This podcast is part one of two programmes.

Sex For Sale in Thailand (Part 2).
In this second podcast on the Thai sex industry, Stephen talks about how sex work is accepted by most Thais, how prostitution manages to grow in Thailand despite being illegal, and who are the main customers of Thai sex workers.
In particular, Stephen examines how karaoke bars operate, the difference between a go-go bar and a girly bar, and the often complex operations of the ubiquitous Thai massage parlour.
Together, these two podcasts are probably the most informative and revealing about the Thai sex industry than any currently available in the media.

Sex For Sale in Thailand (Part 1).
The one thing most every visitor to Thailand notices very quickly is its sex industry. Sex is for sale everywhere; massage parlours, go-go bars, karaoke establishments, brothels.
In this two part podcast Stephen explores and explains the different aspects of Thai sex work and prostitution. In this first part he explains the difference between sex as work and sex as prostitution; he talks about the 'fish bowls' - those establishments in Thailand which operate as brothels, and he considers the emotional labour of the sex worker in Thailand.
All very revealing and at times explicit, but also highly informative.
Listen to this podcast for some original and highly personal insights into how the sex industry operates in Thailand.

Sex and the East; always a compelling and erotic combination.
However, as Stephen explains in this explicit podcast, sex is both an industry and a cultural dimension out here in Thailand especially - it much more than simply row upon row of go-go bars in Pattaya; Kathoey, Gay Paradise, Sex Work Capital of the World.
Listen to Stephen's explanation for how sexuality has come to both define Thailand in the eyes of the world, and at the same time offer us insights into the West's own very real sexual hang-ups.

The 'Asian Mystique' probably started around the time Marco Polo first traveled the Orient.
Several hundred years later and it is still with us, though in today's hi-tec, globalised world of instant communications and mass tourism it just gets presented differently.
As Stephen explains in this insightful podcast, the Asian Mystique is that imaginary place of the East which we in the West conjure up in our imaginations and then seek out during our two-week holiday in Bangkok, Hong Kong or Kuala Lumpur. Seductive, erotic, strange and enticing.
The Asian Mystique is all of these and more.

Just what has Stephen been writing about all these years?
Well, as he reveals in this podcast, everything from men and masculinities, to organisational behaviour and onto love, sex and relationships.
Ten books in just over ten years and a host of journal articles, go to make up Stephen's impressive publication record.
In this podcast he talks about writing, getting published, different types of authorship, ebooks, academic writing, and the marketing and publicity which can follow from a successful book publication.
Whether or not you fancy getting published yourself one day you'll certainly find this podcast, and Stephen's recollections of his writing experiences, interesting, amusing and informative.

'Queer', what thoughts does that word conjure up in your head?
Well, as you'll hear in this lively and at times explicit podcast, quite different images for Chris and Stephen. But as Stephen goes on to explain, 'queer' is not always a derogatory term when used to describe gay and lesbian identities and sexuaities.
Indeed, it is can be quite empowering and is today the term used to describe 'queer theory', one of the most advanced of all sociological theories in gender identity research.
Sex, sexuality, identity and gender, plus a few titillating extras, all go into the pot in this fascinating podcast.

So many of us nowadays living life as single people, yet so many of us also looking to be in a relationship. Is this a problem?
Not if you understand that being single is very much a state of mind - and that singledom can be a very easy and relaxed place to be. By contrast, relationships are challenging and much more demanding on us.
This podcast explores the final chapter of The Relationship Manifesto, in it Stephen explains that many people actually like being single, they just don't like not being in a relationship.
This is a real paradox. So we have to come up with new ways of being in a relationship, recognise what sort of relationship we actually want, the sacrifices we are prepared to make, and, most important, what our level of 'relationship motivation' actually is.
Do this and we can move from the easy stroll of a single lifestyle into the trek of a relationship without much difficulty.

'True' Love, 'Pure' Relationships, 'Mr/Mrs Right', all these terms reinforce the myth of perfection.
That is, we have found our true love therefore we have the 'perfect relationship'.
Well, Stephen thinks not. In this podcast he points out that perfection is impossible, especially in men and women. And if we are not perfect ourselves, just where is that perfect relationship going to come from? Stephen explains that relationships work best when they are lived in the real world, not the mythical one. We have a much better chance of making a relationship last if we are able to recognise and accept its imperfections, and our own.
We don't have to be perfect to be in a good love relationship, what we do have to do is live with imperfection and not let it tear our relationship apart.

All relationships are built on words - communication.
Without words, language, the fundamental building blocks of human society, we have nothing. And, as Stephen explains, communication is especially essential for lovers and those in sexual, intimate relationships of whatever type.
No relationship can thrive on silence - or when one partner is doing all the talking and the other just listening (or has switched off altogether).
So creating a strong communication between partners is necessary for every relationship.
In this podcast Stephen not only explores the importance of communication, talking, sharing and openness, he also touches on issues such as 'emotional bottling' and 'anger management'.
The interview concludes with Stephen providing some really helpful and practical suggestions so as to make your own relationship communications work better.

What kills a relationship? Mostly it is lies. So always be honest.
However, as Stephen reveals in this podcast, being honest may be desireble but its not easy to accomplish. What is more, we can be dishonest in different ways, not only through lies and deceit. We can conceal our true intentions and hopes, we can often perform a role which we think our lover appreciates but is actuallly, not representative of who we really are.
This fascinating and insightful interview explores the complexities which arise when a desire for honesty and truth meets changing expectations, aspirations and needs in a relationship, especially around sex and infidelity.
And the biggest lie of all? To say "I love you' when really you don't.

This 9th podcast examines one the of main drivers behind the changes we now see in modern relationships. That is, the emergence of a new type of woman: confident, individualistic, sexually expressive, ambitious, educated and independent.
Stephen talks about this new form of femininity, its impact on relationships and provides some revealing data as to the extent that women are now usurping men in a number of social areas, not least education.
However, as Stephen stresses, these changes really raise an important question for modern men, which is "Women have changed, but have you?".
In this fascinating and informative podcast, Stephen and Chris explore the implications for a world, and for relationships, where men appear to becoming second class citizens.

Despite the highly sexualised culture that now envelopes us, sex remains the dirty secret.
It continues to be one of the most powerful and important of all human activities, but also the one most likely to be surrounded by dysfunctionality, secrecy, lies, guilt, shame and mystery.
In this very frank and candid podcast, Stephen unwraps the sex issue at the heart of modern relationships. He talks about sex work, gay marriages, monogamy, fidelity, sexual experimentation, open relationships, and the difficulty we all have when it comes to being open and honest with our lovers about our sexual needs and desires.
With marriage now appearing to be in almost terminal decline across the developed world, and sex issues being one of the key reasons why couples split up, this insightful podcast on sex and sexuality could not be more timely.

Who is the 'One in Your Life? Well, surprisingly perhaps, this podcast reveals that it is not your partner or any other lover, it is you.
Stephen explains that the most important aspect of a love relationship is, yes, love. But not love for the other but love for oneself. Only by loving ourselves, being comfortable in who we are and have become, so can we give love to another person. Ultimately, there is no one else.
There is no other person out there who can replace you or who can give you love if you don't love and value yourself.
In this interview with Stephen, Chris raises questions about children and parenting, and gets some very surprising and unexpected opinions from Stephen on the modern parenting role.

In this podcast, Stephen explains that there are, in fact, three identities in every relationship.
There is you, your partner, and the relationship itself.

As Stephen puts it "We have to appreciate that we and our partner, and all the other aspects of our being together, for example, home, work, family, combine to make up the third, arguably most important identity which is that of the relationship. And relationships change, just like we ourselves do."
So we have to protect our own identity in any relationship, but we also have to protect the relationship itself.
Stephen goes on to explain how to go about this; the key elements being mutuality, trust, negotiation, openness and calmness.

"Love, the most overused and abused word in the English language...but also the most powerful".
This quote from Stephen's fifth interview titled 'Love is not what you imagine', gives a flavour of the discussion. Love is highly complex, often impossible to fathom, but can also be an illusion.
As Stephen goes on to reveal, too often we 'fall in love' without actually knowing the person we have fallen in love with.
Then there is 'false love', which is more about us projecting our needs onto another in the hope and expectation they will bring us the inner fulfillment we so earnestly seek.
Lots of interesting discussion between Chris and Stephen in this interview.
Hope you find it enlightening!

Not All Relationships Are About Love. How can that be? Surely all relationships are about love?

Well, not exactly. As Stephen explains in this third interview, there are different types of relationships and distinguishing and understanding the main types is important to recognising not only the sort of relationship we are in, but also which type of relationship we might be looking for.

Stephen reveals the five main relationships types: The Peripheral; The Draining; The Soulmate; The Functional; and The Formative.

Which relationship have you got? Find out by listening to this podcast.
You might be surprised at the answer!

'Your Soulmates are Waiting'. Yes, they really are. And not just one soulmate.
This third interview of the series explores Stephen's belief that we all have a soulmate in our lives - these are profound loves, much deeper and more important than usual love relationships. Maybe they are souls from a past life? Who knows? But certainly they are people who come into our life at a particular time, and for the better.
As Stephen says, all the ideals of romantic love are based around one notion: that there is one real soulmate out there waiting for each of us. Stephen doesn't disagree, but he makes the point that most of us nowadays will find more than one soulmate. So don't assume if you are in your 20s or 30s you have already met him or her. There could be another one waiting for you when you are 50 or 60.
So do these soulmates stay with us all our life? Not necessarily - well, not necessarily as sexual partners. They usually come into our lives for a period of time and then move on. Again, this emphasises a key theme of the Relationship Manifesto, which is that our lives are unpredictable, always changing, and that our relationships are constantly changing, evolving also.
So don't go looking for Happy Ever After with the first person you fall in love with.
If you want Happy Ever After go watch a Walt Disney Movie.

In this second interview of the series, Chris talks to Stephen about Chapter 1 in the book; 'Why Relationships Fail'.

As Stephen says, the reason most relationships fail is "because they go on too long". The couple have moved on, but not together. Such situations are common - the couple reach a crossroads in their life but go off in different directions, often without realising it at the time.

The reality is that the vast majority of relationships last much less than 10 years, including marriages. So Stephen's suggestion is for what he calls a 'relationship break' at the 10 year stage. His point is that this is not designed to break up the relationship but to help ensure longevity. Relationships that have a 10 year 'break point' built into them are not taken for granted.

Each person in the relationship knows that they can legitimately quit at 10 years, or they can 'sign up' for a further 10 years if they both agree to. Stephen's argument is that this knowledge will make the couple work harder at keeping it going. What they cannot do is take the relationship, or each other, for granted.

The only people who will be really unhappy at this proposal will be the divorce lawyers.

In this first Podcast of the series, Chris interviews Stephen about his own background, marriages, relationships and some of the ideas which emerge in The Relationship Manifesto.

Full details at http://relationshipmanifesto.posterous.com/

Stephen makes the point that we are living in a very different era to the past; the world has changed, people have changed with it; unfortunately the myths of love have not.
Today, a typical long-term relationship lasts about 10 years, maybe 20. But we are embarking on our sexual adventures in our early teens and can realistically expect to live at least until our mid-80s.
Consequently, the idea of one partner, over a lifetime, just doesn't hold up any more. Few, if any of us, actually have this experience. Indeed, it is much more likely that we will have dozens of partners. So, we need a new way of looking at love, sex and romance.

This first interview gives a taster of what is to come.